Rules of Engagement

Before venturing onto the next restaurant category, I feel it necessary to identify some unspoken rules that, if observed by both patron and server, make for the most refined and dignified dining experiences. Many of these etiquette practices may seem like obvious ways to behave in public, yet, I am often left in total bewilderment at how often I find them forsaken on any given night out. Both diner and waiter have a role to play and neither should believe themselves above common courtesy. Often, what may otherwise been an outstanding meal can quickly derail to the dining equivalent of fingernails on a chalkboard. Allow me to elaborate.

Patrons, please...

- Never, ever, ever, talk on your cell phone. Again, this should be obvious, but this device - which has become so ubiquitous that they may as well be distributed upon the umbilical cord snipping - is still whipped out so frequently in the middle of dinner you'd think Ari Gold has opened up a satellite office in Denver. Switch your phone to vibrate. In the event you forget this, quickly silence a ring. If you don't know how to silence your ring, please throw your cell phone in the nearest body of water (seriously, do it right now). If you must take a call, take it in the bar or, preferably, outside. Do not take a call in the bathroom, it is a place neither for phones or cameras.

- Recognize that your server is a human being who has not been placed on this planet to bend to your every need. Yes, you are paying for a certain level of sophistication from the waitstaff and should expect reasonable execution. But this does not give you permission to bark out orders, patronize or demean. Translation: look them in the eye, say thank you and please, and if you're not ready to order then do not make them stand by your table, neglecting their other customers, while you hem, haw and scrutinize the menu for ten minutes. Slavery was abolished with the 13th amendment in 1865 and, as such, your server is not property you own .

- Limit returning food to the kitchen to that which is improperly prepared, the wrong temperature or doesn't arrive as advertised on the menu. Do not send back food you don't understand. Just because the veal sweetbreads you ordered turned out to be a titch different than the danishes derived from young cattle you imagined them to be, that doesn't give you permission to have the kitchen toss it and make you something more palatable. Don't agree that the peach compote perfectly accompanies your foie gras? Sorry pal, good for you for trying something new but it isn't reason enough to send the fatty liver down the disposal.

- If you are going to miss your reservation, call the restaurant. This, again, is basic common courtesy, especially for an establishment that lives and dies on filling up tables.

- If you are going to be more than fifteen minutes late for a reservation, call the restaurant. Or don't be upset when you arrive and Abe Frohman, Sausage King of Chicago, has already snagged your table.

Waiters/hosts and hostesses please...

- Do not lie. It is insulting when you come by the table, realize you forgot to put in the drink/food order and tell me the kitchen is behind but you'll make sure it comes out soon. B.S., just apologize and offer to buy dessert and we'll abide by rule number two above.

- Do not sit patrons in a section which is shy on help and cannot adequately and timely service the tables. If one of your servers went on a weekend bender and didn't show up for work, tough cookie, it isn't permissible to make the customer suffer as a result.

- Give us the specials before we've made up our minds. It is perfectly acceptable to tell us as you pass out menus or at least let us know there are some additions and ask if we'd like to know now or after a cocktail. Admittedly, this a minor grievance.

- Understand that you're not that funny. A well timed quip here and there is perfectly acceptable, but please don't assume you are our evening's entertainment as well as our food runner. Periodically I enjoy some banter with my server, however, I encourage you to read my face to determine whether or not you should drop the shtick and give it to me straight. In most cases, I didn't come to dinner to hang out with you.

- In the event that I pay with cash (a rarity, I know), do not ask if I want change. Never assume you've earned what is left over - I'll be the judge of that. Not to mention it makes us look cheap when we are forced to answer "yes" to that ridiculous question.

- Understand that while it is impressive that you can memorize our order without writing anything down, this pales in comparison to the stress I endure as I wait for my food to hopefully arrive correctly, or the frustration I experience while my dining companions must wait while you fetch what I really ordered. The pen, the pad... little piece of mind nuggets.

- Seat us at our table despite our poor driver is missing because he's still circling the block looking for a precious parking spot. You're only jamming up the waiting area and forcing servers to bob and weave their way around us while the table sits empty. I'm not suggesting you sit a party of two who are still waiting for 10 friends but, come on, use better judgement when it comes a single diner.

Adhere to some of these basic principle of dining etiquette and you'll look like a pro in no time. Dismiss them and risk the glaring stare of the civilized portion of our society that treats a meal as an experience to savor. Or just go eat/work at Applebees... where rookies eat good in the hood.